TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
