Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
