I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
