So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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