you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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