the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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