I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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