My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
