i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
