Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
