New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
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