Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
