Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
