John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Well I just put wine in my tea
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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