I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
