I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
