Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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