I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Randomize
