So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
