Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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