you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
