I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
