It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
