Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
