I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
