I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
