420 ftw
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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