Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
a search helicopter?!
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
