Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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