They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
