i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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