I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
