So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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