what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
