oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
MIDGETS
????
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
