I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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