made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
