I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
