I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
