Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
