i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
