He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
