Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
