Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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