Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
