also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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