Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
