did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
