i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
