she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
