Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
